Sunday, March 30, 2008
I'm a little behind on my little guy. Jay is almost six months now. I wanted to at least have his little birth story on here. For me, for him and because I think he's getting the short end of the stick compared to Ellie in way of documentation.
I was scheduled for a c-section on Tues 10 October. On Friday 5 October, Ellie was wiggling her way into staying up late with me, in bed. Thinking about that night, I wanted to have every second with her--I remember being worried that she wasn't going to be the center of my universe. This is around 9:45 pm. we were sitting in bed, watching one of her shows. There was a "POP." "Mommy, what was that noise?" It was my water breaking.
So, Joe, cool & calm, packed a bag for Ellie. We took her to Dawns (SIL)--thank g-d they live so close cause i don't know what we would've done with her! By now, I'm in full labor & in pain--not to mention the water keeps coming.
After getting to the hospital, and finally get something for the pain...i had heartburn, labor pains & my teeth kept chattering. I remember being really nervous. Okay, just plain scared. How could i possibly be so lucky to have two healthy & perfect children? How am I so deserving and others are not? Can it be? I don't remember being so scared except when Ellie was born. I remember as soon as he 'was out' they must of given me something to relax. I felt my whole world melt knowing he was finally part of our world as a healthy baby boy. He is mine. I will never take it for granted how lucky i am. I will always appreciate that I never knew how much love your heart is capable of. I still keep waiting for something or someone to come take them from me. that it is too good to be true. I just have to enjoy it. Every smile, every new milestone.
I can't very well go on without reminding myself how lucky I am for the other women in my life. Having so many people in my life that have gone through the process of creating life and losing life. It is an experience that is so raw and so human... and sadly one i can also relate to. Maybe it's why i am so neurotic and appreciative of the miracle of life. I've seen friends & family suffering through infertility, miscarriages, still births, birth defects, and the ultimate sacrifice of giving a baby up for adoption. We go on, mostly in a bitter sweet silence...reproducing and trying to make the world a better place.
Always in the back of my mind...there are those sad & sweet thoughts of who I am missing, I can't help it---I am human. But at the end of the day, I am still at the mercy of the unknown & right now I have a warm heart that my babies are here, healthy & what I think, happy.