Monday, August 16, 2010


August 16, 2010

Max, my dog died yesterday. It was unexpected. It is devastating. It’s more devastating to move on with everyday life. I’m sitting in bed, more than 24 hours later. It’s pouring down rain and all I can think of is that he is curled up in that little hole in the backyard becoming one with the earth so permanently. I can’t cope with this. I’m overwhelmed with grief. Sadness. Regret. Love. I just miss him. I want him inside my house where he should be. On the end of my bed or in the kids bed. I’m overwhelmed and consumed. I envy people walking around that are not consumed by sadness. Who are not feeling loss. I never know how to understand why these things happen. Why people who deserve to remain on this earth among others who love them? Who want them. I hate that I can’t look out for him, care for him. I don’t know why he died. I only hope and pray that it wasn’t something I did. That is what makes this so much more difficult. It reminds me of how fragile life really is. That all the details that we stress about in our daily lives can be so meaningless.
I think of my children. That it could just take one time to fall off the bed wrong, choke or step in the wrong direction. Like max, if a bowl of cherries was his fate in death—all I had to do to change that was move it from one table to the other where he couldn’t reach them. I just hope he knows that he was loved.
Right before he died he looked at me with a panic. It’s so odd to me that an animal can tell you something with a look. That I knew him well enough to know that something wasn’t right. I’m thankful that I was there with him. He wasn’t alone. But I was useless. I couldn’t do a thing and my heart is just broken over that exact moment. I couldn’t help him and it’s all I could say to him was that it was okay. You’re okay. But he cried and then stopped breathing. I replay it over in my head a million times over.
So I have to do what we all do in life. Grieve. Be sad. Share. Keep going. Remember my loss. I just don’t know that my sadness will end. My house feels so empty. Nothing feels the same and the small things are what get me. Not the dog bowl or his favorite spot. But that part of his neck I always petted. He licked my legs after a run. How he got excited and ran to the door every weekend morning because he knew it was his time to go in the car for coffee.
I don’t expect this to be easy. I don’t have to like it. But my heart will always be heavy for him and I will always remember him. My life is so different that he was in it and I’ll always be thankful for his personality and that he was my first chance to truly take care of another life and do it well. I can say that proudly. He had about the best life a dog could have. He never knew abuse. He never slept outside (except when we were camping). He never went hungry. He slept in a bed almost every night of his nearly 11 years. If he was sick, he was cared for. He never became lonely because he was always surrounded by people who loved him. He had a dog door to go in/out as he pleased with a yard full of things to hunt. He liked to sit in sunny spots in the spring and fall especially. His pretty white fur always felt the nicest after that.
I only hope wherever his mind is, it’s in peace. It’s safe, cared for and that he knows he will always be part of my family. Part of me.

This is unedited. I don’t know who reads this anymore. But I had to get my thoughts out on paper.

He was a true gift of life on my birthday in November 1999 and passed away 9am on August 15, 2010.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

UPDATES: Random Theme.

Happy New Year!
It is the beginning of the new Jewish Year, 5770 in the Jewish calendar. No matter how far from home, no matter the chaos and no matter how Jewish you are, or not...I truly believe every Jewish person stops and looks around at the life they lead. Most importantly we stop to look in the mirror. It is and always will be a time to self reflect. I will spare you my sap & just wish everyone a Happy and Sweet New Year.
Let's go right for the fun stuff of what we have been up to...... since I totally bite at keeping you updated, shall we....
Let's start with the weekend. It's been raining. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Now, I'm totally content with hanging out inside. Jay too. Ellie & Joe are cut out of the "must do something all the time or I will lose my mind and annoy you to freaking death" cloth. So Joe met the other bored "ants in their pants" parents at Hobby Lobby doing the same thing....what the hell we do inside!!???

Of course, we have the arts and crafts. Ellie made a fun name plate for her bathroom door.
What is really funny to me is Jay. He is really coming into his own quirky personality. He loves to open and close doors....ALL the time. Here Ellie wanted a picture of her and her new work of art and Jay kept opening & closing the door.
Don't forget her new house for our neighborly bird families...
But we can't have the activities that are non-transportable, right? Joe went for the less explosive type. Yes, AIRPLANES....and of course they snuck out in the light sprinkles to take them out for a spin...
We also had a birthday party that was a chocolate store.....YUUUMMMMYYYY. The kids learned about where chocolate comes from and how it's made.

They even got to make their own marshmallow yum stick.

They had a faucet of chocolate. The kids were really good about not sticking their hands in it...but errr, okay, i was the only misbehaved person in there trying to stick my mouth around the edge of the thing. My friend Kathy even took a picture..We were all interested in nature's sweet & yummy chocolate....

I have no transition from Chocolate to Underwear that isn't family i'm just gonna get right to it...
Ellie is getting to be too smart and too old for me. She knows her months, days and starting to figure out how to spell. At Target, we got her new days of the week undies. I think this is so funny that they still sell them. We'll see how long she can keep it up....uhh, and me too with the laundry.

So other than that...for me, I've been trying run & train for a few upcoming races. I ran 7 yesterday and then a 10 mile (swim) this morning in the POURING rain. My poor shoes...soaked!!! Doing 17 miles in 2 days, i felt my shoes were worthy of a mention.
I came home & made a giant pot of vegetable soup. I love the fall and winter for all the soups. That's it for now. We have Halloween coming up & lots of good stuff... Jay's 2nd birthday!!! I am TRYING (guess i should start it, ugghhh) to put together a little video for his 2nd. He is so chatty and has a funny slash grumpy personality that is more charming than I ever expected.
He is trying desperately to learn the stairs. Here is an attempt on our back stairs that are carpeted, so it doesn't freak me out as much as the ones that are hardwood.
L'shana Tova!!


Monday, August 3, 2009


One day i will learn how to spell the damm place. Ellie & I trekked up to Boston, rented a giant enormous car (btw, my feet don't reach the pedals of an Escalade) and headed NORTH to New Hampshire.
I love my cousin, Jill. It's rare that we get to spend a lot of QT (quality time) together so this was a real treat for me. Her hubby, who ellie now refers to as "special cousin richard" is so fun to annoy & we have a very "picky" relationship. But it's all fun and we can't wait to take Joe & Jay next year.
I gotta run--having to post this in seconds..but enjoy the pics!!
P.S. For those who are still blogger ON the picture to take you to the album.

Friday, July 24, 2009

beach, birthdays & MORE!!

So little-by-little, inch-by-inch i am catching you up!!

Here are TWO count-em....ONE and TWO posts!!! hehehe.

Click into the link for our annual st. george trek to the beach!! AND see below for a bonus post!!

Gavin turned 2 and we headed for a fun birthday party at the grandparents and then to the Yellow River Game Ranch. All the kids LOVED it. Jay especially--I admit, i was slightly partial to him with the camera---He loves watching all kinds of animals...bugs, birds, bunnies and of course ABBY. So i was super excited to see him explore all the variety of animals first hand. He liked the pigeons too.

Monday, July 20, 2009

On Your Mark my comeback into the bloggy blog world started out strong...and I'm racing to keep up. Let's see if i can keep it up on a weekly basis.....

Last week I died out---and with good reason.... i was on a shoot out of town last week.

So, you'll have to take me as a light walking blogger. for now keep the update on my I.O.U. tab. guess there are worse kind of tabs out there.

Friday was joe's birthday!!!
and boohoooo.
wahooo to celebrate joe and boohooooo that since he is a year older, for cryin' out loud so am i.

so we celebrated with a nice family day. it really was nice and i have to say i haven't enjoyed a nice family day in a while like that. we went to waffle house in the morning, joe took them swimming (while i napped!) & we went to Marietta Pizza for dinner where the kids got balloons from an animal guy making balloons.
And we came home for CAKE. YES, homemade by yours & yours truly....Elise & Carrie.

How to bake a cake.... CRACK 3 EGGS



more to come......Especially Birthdays!! Gavin turned 2 (our nephew) and we went to the petting zoo...i will load those up this week too. Also--I've asked Joe to create a post about his Grand Canyon trip. Please encourage him to do so!!! I think everyone would love it.

have a great week & i hope you are all enjoying your summer!!!!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Sippy Cups Have Parts

Today I packed up Jay's last bottle. Now, for those who truly know me...I am not the sentimental type. But for some reason packing the bottles made me think and for the first time in more than four months I found myself here.

FIRST. We are totally onto sippy cups. wahoo!

This is the last time I will ever pack up bottles because my child is growing. They are changing everyday and I swear to you at least once a day I stop and enjoy it. I've never once taken their health and perfectness for granted. Yes, of course the everyday shit can be a pain in the ass----but at the end of the day I know matters. We are not planning for a third, so as i chase all of Jay's "Firsts" and now "Lasts" it does make me feel sad, sentimental and so lucky in the same breath.

This blog. Not necessarily for the entertainment factor or the reader per se, but that the reason I began this blog was for Jay and Elise....a documentation of the different parts of their lives. I don't know if the URL will live forever and when they are running for President and Vice President of the USA, TMZ and People will totally need scoop or they might want to show their friends......I don't know where it will end up in 20 years is my point. But if it does survive they will have all pieces of their life that I wanted to remember or collect for them in some small way. They will always know what I enjoyed about them at that moment and how much they are loved. I can't shortchange them or myself as a parent and for that i'm sorry and I want to try & update more frequently.

That's it for the sap. Show is over. Moving on......

I will do an update fill in the __________ post in the next week. We've obviously been quite busy and on the move. For right now, here is a picture of each of them. I took it this morning the second all of this dawned on me.

Enjoy summer!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

spring in our step

Spring is so close!! We ventured out to the park with the Kinard fam on Saturday. The kids are getting to such a playful age together--here are a few pics.